Coping with a Mother-in-Law Who Hates You

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I’ve been married to my husband for 10 years, no thanks to my mother-in-law. It is a sad (but all-too-true) fact that she tried to separate us before we were ever committed to one another.

She came to my husband shortly after we started dating and said to him, “You do realize that Natasha is used to having a lot of money. I just don’t see how she’ll ever be satisfied with your small income.”

Years went by before my husband told me what she said to him. By that time, we were able to have a good laugh about the ridiculousness of what she said. (I had been poor my entire life.)

I was always thankful that he didn’t listen to her that day. Though, that doesn’t mean I was always so lucky.

Mothers and sons can have special relationships. But even when they don’t, and when everything your mother-in-law does drips with hatred for you, you may still experience some relationship strain.

Difficult mothers-in-law might make our relationships harder, but if you decide to tough it out, there are some things you can do to lighten the burden.

1) Give your mother-in-law nothing.

Calm down, friends. You can still buy her the blender for Christmas. I mean give her nothing she can use against you.

Keep your private life to yourself and expose as little as possible. Of course, if she wants to try hard enough, she’ll find something to pick on you about.

But the less information you give her, the less she can turn your “he/she saids” against you. If your spouse or partner overshares, that’s on him, not you.

2) Consider the source.

Is this woman hard on you because it’s you or because of the title you hold?

I assure you, it is likely the latter.

Without getting too deeply into the psychology of pecking orders, you are a threat to her status as the monarch of her family. You have taken her little boy and have him in ways she can’t. (Not that she wants him that way… at least we hope she doesn’t!)

But subconsciously, she recognizes you as a person who can love her son in ways she can’t. Keeping that in mind, understand that it’s not you, it’s her.

And let it roll off.

3) Never make your man choose.

Not that he wouldn’t choose you. He would, even if he says otherwise. (Remember that talk up there about you giving him what she can’t? Uh huh.)

But even if he did choose you, and you gave him the ultimatum, what kind of stress does that place on him? If he stays with you and avoids her, he might blame you for the tension between him and his mother.

This can happen even if he isn’t a doting son. You don’t want that.

Besides, if she’s selfish enough, she might be the one to make him choose. He’ll choose you, she’ll be mad, and he’ll avoid her. You win.

Bide your time.

4) Stay on good terms with the father-in-law.

When all else fails, he might be the only one who can reign her in.

Now, before you get angry and say I’m being misogynistic (if you think that, please peruse this blog a little deeper), what I mean is that this man knows your mother-in-law. He has lived with her longer than anyone and is likely alert to her ways of thinking.

He may be the only one on the inside to see the real you versus the picture of you she paints. If he knows you’re a good person, he may come to your defense from time to time when things get rough.

5) Keep your mouth closed about the cruel things she says to you when no one is listening.

(You didn’t know I knew she made those jibes behind your husband’s back, did you?)

If she is manipulative enough, she may play the victim if you bring up every little incident. This will make you look like the troublemaker even if you are innocent.

Let her comments and snide remarks roll off (yes, this can be hard), and let time and her actions speak for themselves.

Remember, your fella is with you despite the things she has said and done up to this point. Chances are in your favor that he is barely listening to her, if at all.

If you remain focused on building a strong relationship with your husband and the more rational members of his family, you can spend less time being concerned with the things she says that most people are probably ignoring anyway.

Does your mother-in-law make your relationship with your husband difficult to endure? Leave us a comment. You might be surprised to find out you aren’t alone!

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  • Me :)

    This does turn to be really stressful… Specialy of u have bbys I have a 5month bby amd she always trys to let mi out, like to shower the bby she does it every day she always come in to MY room if the bby is crying even if am there with the bby im starting to loose it now since my husband is in mexico I cant really tell him wats happening because he is not here to see wats happening…. I really need andadvice pleade helpp before I loose it and slap her on the face :0

    • lovely evans

      I totally understand what you are saying I’m 6months pregnant and my mil is always trying to sneak in sly remarks or she will send them through my fiance for instance she will mention something to him about raising the baby or taking care of it or how I should take care of myself and that causes arguments between me and him because I tell him that I appreciate it but these are my decisions not hers.

  • Annie

    Thanks for this! My MIL cannot be pleased. I make photobooks of the kids, photo T-shirts, etc. I send letters that I write from the boys (ages 3 & 7) and their drawings. I work full time and spend almost every one of my vacation days traveling to see them. Sigh. When my husband and I got engaged, we asked if we could get married on the farm. His mom said no. Two years later, she let her pregnant drug-using niece get married on the farm and took care of all of the expenses, and she asked if her niece could borrow my veil. She got mad when I said no. She gave me socks and coffee for Christmas one year and purchased my husband an entire wardrobe (no exaggeration). This past year, she bought me a copy of Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten and READ IT TO ME. No joke. She constantly walks away when I am in mid-sentence, rolls her eyes when I am talking to a group, and huffs and puffs like she is trying to knock my house down. In addition, she gave one of our sons aspirin “to help him go to sleep” on Christmas Eve. Our son, 7, told her he wanted to ask us (as we were awake downstairs), but she told him it would be okay. I was furious! He has asthma and lots of allergies. Plus, I am anti-medicine unless it is necessary. It really is hard on our marriage. My FIL let my MIL boss him around and does little thinking of his own, so I am the first person to confront her about her behavior. She does play the victim. I guess I will just pull away and “give her no fuel.”

  • Bec

    Thanks so much for this. My MIL also cannot be pleased. She told me to my face that she doesnt like me. She constantly plays the victim and manipulates my husband in such a way that I just cannot understand how a mother can treat her son like that. I am the worst person in the world, I am the one whos one goal in life is to break up her relationship with her son, I am selfish and never consider my husbands feelings, my husband always takes my side and never hers, I never make her feel welcome, I act differently when Im around my parents, I dont talk to her when Im washing and she’s drying the dishes… etc etc etc… It is so hard not to talk to my husband because I feel so alone in all this. And then I realise, what good is it talking to him ~ it only makes him feel worse. I am very lucky that I have him on my side though… I couldnt imagine how hard this would be without him backing me. It doesnt make things any easier though because I think about all the horrible things she said to me every single day… any tips on how to get over emotional abuse?
    This article is briliant, thanks again. x0x

    • Annie

      Bec asked about getting over emotional abuse . . . I used to go out of my way to throw compliments at my MIL. I’d send drawings and letters from the boys and call to tell her something cute they had said. I thought I’d kill her with kindness. Regardless, what I was doing was wrong or wasn’t enough. I went to counseling because I wanted to make sure I wasn’t really doing something wrong. The counselor said that it was obvious my MIL was very controlling and that you can’t change other people. But she told me I needed to stand up for myself. So instead of keeping my mouth shut, I now say, “You may have let your son eat that stuff, but we have rules about soda and candy. So please don’t give those items to our children.”
      I think I finally reached the point where I realize that I have to talk to prevent her from running all over me, and I (and YOU) and everyone else deserves respect. It is not being mean to say, “I don’t appreciate you talking to me or talking about me that way. If you cannot be respectful, you are not welcome in our home.”
      Jenna Berry wrote a good book: A Wife’s Guide to In-laws: How to Gain Your Husband’s Loyalty Without Killing His Parents. Some of you guys might love it.

      • Bec

        Thanks Annie, you made my day :-)) Actually you probably made my year with that one! I am going to look up that book. My situation sounds similar to yours ~ I also did everything to include MIL in converstations, make her feel important by comparing her qualities with her son’s qualities, constantly sent her photos of us both (and then gave up after a while when I realised how she felt about me and just sent her photos of her son instead!), did everything I could to try and gain her acceptance, but like you said, it was a form of killing with kindness. Our last horrible encounter was almost a year ago now and I still havent gotton over it. But I feel what you said about standing up for yourself is extremely important. Next time she decides to treat me like that, I know I will find the courage within myself to tell her I dont appreciate her talking to me that way in my home… ofcourse she will turn on the waterworks and try the guilt and manipulation tactics, but I’ll be better prepared for it next time. Thanks again :-)
        xox

  • A

    Thanks so much for this. I’m not married, but I’ve been dating my boyfriend for only a month. My “mother in law” (for lack of a better title) is the type that secretly hates me. She is always talking me up as the best thing that has ever happened to her son (the youngest of 4 sons mind you.) Although, she tries to conceal her snide remarks under “good intentions.” Just an hour ago (hence why I searched up “mother in laws that dislike you” as soon as I got home) she completely embarrassed me in front of my boyfriend. This story hurts for me to tell because of how humiliating it was – aside from the fact that it isn’t true at all – she decided to tell me that she didn’t like the way my perfume smells on me. Harmless right? Everyone is entitled to their opinion. She then went on to say that when she hugs me I smell like a pad. As in a feminine hygiene product type pad. Not only that, but she proceeded to tell me that my boyfriend agreed with her. I hardly believed it because he is always raving about how “delicious” I smell. The fact that she was just out to hurt me was incredibly obvious for multiple reasons: she has complimented the same perfume before (and I reminded her today), she complained yesterday about how much time she has with her son that I’ve taken away, I’m not on my period, nor do I wear pads. My boyfriend freaked out on her and accused her of having put words in his mouth. I respectfully thanked her for her opinion, and moved on. I was slightly hurt because it was dreadfully embarrassing and I have only recently realized that she actually doesn’t like me as much as she says so. This post has made me feel so much better, considering the fact that I didn’t know how I was going to face her again anytime soon, much less hug her and suffocate her in my “period smell.” I now feel confident enough in myself to spray twice as much of my perfume on next time I visit and not give her the satisfaction of changing my perfume. Sorry for the long post, I just needed somewhere to vent considering the fact that I can’t do so to my boyfriend. Any tips on how to deal with a mother in law that secretly hates me would be greatly appreciated!

    • TL

      A,

      Oh, my goodness! I feel your pain, I truly do! My mother-in-law would do the same thing to me. She would brag about me to all of their other family (including her other daughter-in-law, which we later realized was just an attempt to stir up petty jealousy), but she still took every opportunity she could to be cruel to me in front of everyone.

      Just for example (and please don’t think I’m trying to up your story, because I know that was a horrific ordeal for you and these really may not compare):

      1) My husband never bought her anything for Christmas until I came along. I realized she needed a new mixer, so I bought her one for Christmas. The following month, we all met at her house over a long weekend and cooked a large meal. And by “we,” I mean all of her family, children, in-laws, grandchildren, everyone. I offered to help with the potatoes. So, I was using the mixer I had bought her. Well, I really wasn’t accustomed to the mixer and when I turned it on high-power, it has more gusto than I thought it would! Potatoes went everywhere. I laughed at first and said I was sorry and that it was the mixer. When her daughter (my now sister-in-law) walked in, she asked what happened. My MIL said, “It was the new mixer!” And when I heard her snide tone, I turned to see her rolling her eyes and smirking. You are welcome for the mixer, lady!

      2) That same day, someone asked when Steve and I were going to get married. She said, “She’s a bad girlfriend and a brat! Yes, you are! You’re a brat” She tried to pass that one off as a loving thing to say, but I knew. I didn’t tell my husband about that until much later.

      3) When her sister (my husband’s aunt) was very ill, I helped take care of her and sat with her to care for her for about a week. I went and applied for government benefits for her sister, ran her errands and paid her bills, and helped bathe her. Her sister was very grateful, even thanking me over the phone before she died. So, when the funeral came, my mother-in-law expected me to send out the thank-you cards for attending the funeral and for the gifts that were sent. (Not to mention the fact that she made the entire funeral a pity-party event about herself). I did everything except lick the envelopes, because it’s just one of those things I don’t like to do. When she saw they weren’t sealed, she asked me why. When I told her, she went to her sink, got a cloth, wet it, and slapped it into my hand.

      4) The night we got married, we had stayed at her house that weekend because my husband wanted to get married there where he grew up. She made me assemble the food plates for the wedding reception, even though I told her I didn’t want any of that. On the way out the door after it was all over, stopped me to tell me the toilet paper we had bought (trying not to use theirs) had clogged their septic tank.

      I could go on and on, but I know you get the point. And like I said, I do not want to try to outdo your story at all. I know it hurt terribly. What I do want to say is that I am so incredibly happy to hear that your boyfriend stood up for you today. I would say to definitely let him know that you appreciate that and maybe even tell him that you are sorry it made him uncomfortable. Try not to mention her at all, and definitely avoid blaming her to him (even know we know that woman is evil!) even if he insults her to you. Do your absolute best to stay neutral, but still reinforce the fact that he stood up for you and that it meant a lot to you.

      You didn’t say how she reacted to his reaction, but since he defended you, I’m going to bet she’s going to try harder to start trouble. I’m sure she took no pleasure in him caring about your feelings. I could be wrong, and I really do hope I am. But if she does begin to get worse after this, don’t be surprised.

      The most important thing to remember is that most of the time, it will be you and your boyfriend/husband together, and it will be you and he who will live together and with the consequences of how you react to her. As difficult as it can be, do not let her cause strife between the two of you. Always do your best to stay neutral in your discussions about her. If you ever approach him with anything she says or does, try to do it from the sincere point of view that you are hurt. Keep it about your feelings, not about her.

      I am so very sorry for you. I hurt for you reading it, because I know if that it had been me, I really would have cried in front of everyone. I have had to rush to the bathroom many times to cry where no one could see me because of the awful things she said and did to me. Unfortunately, we cannot change these women. But we can change how we feel about what they say and do. But hang in there, because if he’s worth it to you, it will all work out.

      Take care! And if you feel like ever sharing the rest of your story, I would love to hear how you make it work! :)
      -T.L.

      • A

        Oh my goodness! I would never think you are trying to up my story – we all have our fair share of stories and I find it comforting knowing there are other women out there with monsters-in-law. I am sincerely appreciative of your sympathy, and I extend the same to you!

        As for her reaction, she laughed it off and shook her head as if to say he was lying to me in order to not hurt my feelings. After I posted this story, my boyfriend called me and asked if I was okay. I told him that yes I was, but I was just embarrassed. As you mentioned in your great reply, he insulted her to me and said that she was “extremely disrespectful and out of line” and he proceeded to apologize on behalf of her because she would never apologize to me. My one and only comment to my boyfriend regarding the incident was “Everyone is entitled to their opinion. She doesn’t like my perfume and that is fine. I don’t need her to apologize, nor do I want her to. No one should have to apologize for their opinions.” He questioned me after, in pure disbelief that I could possibly be completely okay. But I kept on my big girl pants and was the bigger person.

        At the end of the day, she is and always will be his mother, and no matter what she does or says (to either of us) he will defend her and love her unconditionally. And I know this for a fact because my boyfriend is extremely caring and somewhat of a mama’s boy (not so great for me). He also told me that once I left he confronted her about the situation and that she said that once he wasn’t looking she shook her head to say that she was just kidding, that he actually hadn’t said anything of the sort. Yeah, okay.

        Since my boyfriend is much younger than his older three siblings, plenty of relationships have begun and ended around that woman. She is notorious for playing the victim and stirring up trouble in such a manipulative and deceiving way. Little does she know that my grandmother was EXACTLY like her, and I am much like my mother which had to deal with her. Thankfully I have the guidance of my dear mother to steer me in the right direction before I act out and cause more trouble.

        As for how you feel you would have reacted, I definitely felt nauseous throughout the conversation. Thankfully I had been fiddling with folding a t-shirt so I just raised it to my face and covered my mouth with it. It gave me a way to somehow hide! I have a pretty strong character, and I can take a lot, mostly because of how stubborn I am. I refuse to give her the satisfaction. That was the only thing that kept me rooted on that seat. The hardest part was saying goodbye to her considering the fact that I usually give her a hug. You can imagine my hesitation!

        My boyfriend and I have discussed how demanding and difficult she is and I have always given the witch the benefit of the doubt and have encouraged my boyfriend to ease up on her and help her out more often. No longer will I be championing for that woman. I now understand the behavior of her other daughters in law.

        She has been through a lot in her life, and so I chalk it all up to those events (she has no shame in airing the family’s dirty laundry because she oh-so-conveniently is the victim in every situation. The woman has a mouth bigger than the grand canyon) I just pity her. No one could possibly be happy for themselves knowing all too well what they are doing to those they are supposed to be caring for and loving. You’d think these women would have a little more respect for the person who is dating her son, loving him, caring for him, and ensuring his happiness.

        Thank you so much for your response! I really hope things somehow get better for you in your situation and that it gets easier for you and all of us!

        • Betty Denner

          Funny but sad that you feel the legitimate need to mention that you are not trying to one-up the other!
          That is a true testament to the kind of narcissistic pathology you are dealing with, with your MIL!

    • Annie

      Sweetie,
      I hate to tell you that your boyfriend’s mom has only just begun with the games. It seems to be worse with guys who are only children or who are from families of just boys. I think the mom does think that she is being replaced and goes through a period of jealousy and lashing out toward you (the person taking her baby away and replacing her). Perhaps visits are easiest when brief and when on neutral ground (not your place or her place). Meet at a restaurant or park for a visit. It is more difficult for a MIL to be rude in public (not impossible, unfortunately). But it helps contain my MIL. I love that you are going to put on twice as much perfume. And I’m glad that you realize that it is her, not you. The most important thing is to stay focused on the love you and your boyfriend have for one another and to have him stay in touch with her so she doesn’t need to feel abandoned. Just remember honey, you cannot fix the issues of other people. Love yourself, and be good. Karma takes care of everything else in time. :)

      • Guest

        It is going to get worse. Trust me, I am right there, recently engaged. Make a decision. Do you love this man? Does he love you? Will you get married? If not, leave him. If you do, stay, but never be alone with her. Do not use email to communicate. People say things over email they can’t say to your face and if your MIL emails she will give you an ear full. Only make public appearances with her. Keep your family separate. I made this mistake and she through my Mom under the bus. Complained to my son that my mother asked questions that made her feel uncomfortable. He was pissed off at first. I called my Mom, she asked what she was bringing to Xmas dinner. My MIL was trying to play the victim to gain her son’s approval and place my mother at the bottom of the list.

  • Annie

    I am so sorry you have been through all of that. You seem to have such a good attitude, which is difficult given the circumstances. But I’m so proud of you for being confident and attempting to be neutral. I’ll try. It is hard because my blood pressure goes up when I mention her name. But you’ve inspired me!

    • lauren

      I have a mother in law who tells my relatives face to face that she hates me and she doesnt like me with her son. My family loves my husband and we normaly ignore all her foolish remarks. my husband knows that his mother is a very bitter and jealousy person so we just ignore it. We buy her xmas present she doesnt come to visit but we always visit. So i am not bothered to be honest my hubby loves me and her mother and i respect that. I dont allow her to ruin my life if she does something nasty to me i tell my hubby and he will do the dirty talking for me

  • mary

    Wish I would have known about this blog sooner. My mil hates me and always has. We moved to be closer to her because my husband (been married 41 years) thought she had changed but as soon as we settled in. I became the whipping post of gossip and verbal abuse. She even tried to turn my own sons against me. My husband brother and sil. Have not spoken to us. I have stayed away from her. My husband has chosen not to engage verbally with her she blames me. I do not speak ill of mil to my sons or my husband. They are grown adults and can come to their own conclusions. Facts never lie. But it bothers me tat she does not like me. I don’t know why but it does.

    • Jenny

      Could I have some advice on a mil who simply will not acknowledge me? For example, I had a beautiful family brunch at my home for Easter, both his family & mine were in attendance. My mil hugged my entire family goodbye & walked out the door without saying a word to me. When I called “thank you for coming!” Behind her, she didn’t even turn around. Example 2: for my sister in laws bridal shower I planned, she called my husband 2 days before the shower to RSVP. My number was right on the invitation! My husband told her he knew nothing about the shower & that she needed to call the person on the invitation. Seriously? At Christmas, when we are all together, it’s like I’m not even there. She doesn’t say mean things and she doesn’t try to “destroy” me. It’s like I don’t even exist to her. This is extremely painful for me. I come from a very tight knit loving family. Thank God for them, they treat my husband like he is their own son. We have been married for 6 years, together for 10, no kids (yet), very happily married. Hubs says she is crazy and you can’t reason with a crazy person. Any advice?

      • Mary

        Listen to your husband he’s right… She’s crazy. Never get involved with her. No matter what. She is never going to change even after you have her grandchild she will embrace the child but not you. Been there done that. My husband also told me his mother was crazy, it took me 41 years to finally except it. My husband loves me just as much as he did 41 years ago and his mother is still crazy…

        • Riz

          I have a crazy, manipulative controlling MIL. We’ve cut her off 7months ago. It’s a relief without her around. Today she came for a surprise visit (coz she said) she missed my youngest 3yr old Ben. When she asked my son, Do you remember me? My son said, Who are you?. It broke her heart and cried. My husband told her this is what you get for all the craziness that you’ve done. Now that she is coming back again, I smell another trouble. I wish I could tell her to leave us alone and not come back. But I don’t want to upset my husband.

      • bec

        At least hubs is on your side, that’s the main thing.

        • Mary

          Bec,
          Yes, and I am so grateful for that. He knows his mother to well. But I still never say anything negative about her to him. I just tell him she is his mother and he can deal with her. I say nothing. And believe me it not because I don’t want to. I have bitten my tongue for years.. Because I know it will do more harm than good.

          • bec

            I have so much respect for you for being able to bite your tongue. It is so hard for me not to say it think anything negative about my mil, I really admire you. It comforts me to know there are husbands out there who can see right through their mothers and stand up for their wives. I’m one of the lucky ones too… But what I will never understand is the lengths some mils will go to to interfere in the marriage of a son… Why does this happen?? Don’t they even think about how their sons feel in all of this?? I don’t have children myself, but I could never fathom putting my child through the same thing my mil has put me thru…or what she’s put my husband thru, for that matter. Why do they do this? I wish wholeheartedly all the best and happiest futures for all the daughter in laws in this post.

      • Annie

        Jenny,
        Mary is right. She probably is never going to change. Just remember that the problem is within her, not you. Maybe she is insecure. Maybe she is jealous. As hard as it may be, you just need to respect yourself and your husband, and move on with your life. Treat her like you treat everyone else, but don’t go the extra mile (wasted effort). I feel your pain. You certainly are not alone. It is frustrating, especially for someone who comes from a family so different from that.

        • Mary

          Annie,
          You are so right. I just treated my mil like everyone else. Did what I was suppose to and it never changed. She is just a toxic human being. I know it is not me. She has 4 grandsons she only like one of them… My oldest son because he was the first and only grandson for 10 years. I never got in the way of their relationship.. But my son uses his grandmother and she likes it because its a way to control him with her money. The other other three grandson have nothing to do with her. There is also 5 great grandsons that she has nothing to do with. In fact after we moved to be closer to her she verbally attacked my youngest grandson because he did not acknowledge the birthday card she had sent him. He is only 6 and it was not his fault because his dad (my son) opened the card and cashed the check she had sent him to pool the money that we all sent him and got him an Xbox. And told him it was from everyone.. My son told her he (my grandson) did not know because he ( my son) did not tell him he had gotten a card. The thing is she had not seen him in 6 months and all she could think about was the money she had sent him. There are so many instances. But I get the worst of it. She loves her other dil and treats her much nicer than me, but it’s always been like that. It’s was so obvious it was uncomfortable. That’s why I just stayed away.

  • Lee

    I have given up on my mother-in-law. She would have hated any woman who took her baby boy away. I think it is pathetic mostly so I can’t respect a person like herself. She hates me even more b/c I won’t allow her to push me around. She knows my husband will stop all contact with her if she starts insulting me in front of him. She does all the typical mother-in-law things- insult me when no one is around, give me dirty looks, play the victim. I am polite to her and I don’t mention her to my husband much. He is aware of her shenanigans. If any thing, when a person like herself acts so selfishly, it pushes the son away. How can respect someone who acts like that? I know in time that we all get what is coming to us in this world. It is best to be the bigger person.

    • olim

      It’s true but hard also. In the long run, your husband will want to be closer to you because you aren’t the one driving him crazy.

    • Kiwi

      My friend and her mother have a really strong mother and daughter bond. They are two of a kind. She also has a quite a sharp tongue and a really strong sense of justice and loyalty to her mother and her friends, and when she saw her grandmother publicly ridiculing her mother during a family gathering my friend went full blown dragon on her and made her own grandmother cry, she was only 12 when she did this. I think it was pretty funny. They harass their daughter in laws and treat the child like an angel, but they don’t realize that that same child can bite them in the ass a decade later.

  • latrice

    I read your advice and it is pretty encouraging. I am in a marriage with my wonderful husband, and then theres his mom,!! This woman is beyond fake and phony, she has hated me from day 1 because she was so use o her son being up under her all the time. he didnt move out of her house til he was 35!! and that was with me, we have a beautiful baby girl whom she tried to say wasn’t his when i was preggo but now she see’s the baby and see there is no denying her. I have allowed this woman to cause so much confusion in my life and marriage. I had really been prayng about it but now its starting back up. And what irritates me most is she does it when my Husbannd is not around or she does it while he right there but in a very passive aggressive way. My Husband goes over to her house often to help her alot becuse of course she lives in this huge house ALONE!!! and thats her problem shes mad because he is no longer there. I have tried so many times to be nice to her and honestly I just really want her to like me beacuse i thought once me and y hubby became 1 we all were famiy but she treats me like an outkast and it hurts me to the point of tears. My husband tells me that I shouldnt pay her any attention but i tell hi he is not the one always getting insulted by her smal rude remarks even about how i raise my child., There are too any things thats happend for me to name them all’ e have been married for almost 2 years but have been together for about 3 and a half. I dont know what else to do, im almost tired of being in this mmarriage because i have to deal with her, it wouldnt be so ad if there family wasnt close and alway havinglittle gatherings on hoildays and there always at her house. I get along with his siblings only according to if she hasnt been bad mouthing me to them and oh believe i can telll’ I hate this situation. I honestly dont think i would have went forth with my marriage if I had knew this woman was going to be this way. Please help, I dont expect you to know exactly what I should do but venting sometimes helps me alot, my usbad dont wanna hear it because in the past i always use to cry to him.

  • nicole richardson

    I have been feeling so down. My MIL does not care for me because she feels that my husband should have married someone else. She is very unwelcoming to our children. They can’t move around her home and she tells me where to sit when I visits. She does not want me moving around her house. Its the complete opposite for her other son’s wife and children. They do as they please. My husband comes home late at night because she tries to keep him there at her house. We just had a baby and I am feeling so alone. I am a good person. It’s been 15 years but I don’t know if I can take anymore of this. My husband tells her everything we talk about and if he has a problem he confides in her first and gets her opinion first. I went to a party his brother was throwing, he was introduced and I was not introduced at all. I’m stressed!!!

    • Colette

      When ever you go to functions introduce yourself don’t let your husband do it!!! Your are own equal person, never let your husband do it unless he does or chooses to. It possible you are a very gorgeous and beautiful person you don’t need him to do so. You were born with a voice!!! USE IT!!! Don’t place your children around someone negative like her either until she had a better attitude no exceptions, Im sure she lets her family sit where they like, letting her do this is demeaning to you, if she not being polite then leave!!!!

  • Annie

    Has anyone else experienced anything like this: When my father-in-law passed away, my MIL wanted my husband to be with her to make the arrangements. My FIL had been sick, so she had time to plan everything in detail. My husband helped her do everything. Meanwhile, I was at home (several hours away) working full time (from home thanks to a good boss) and taking care of our children full time. I wanted to be down there with him, as I thought family gathered to be together at such times. However, his mom just wanted us to come down there for the visitation and funeral. She even picked out the flowers from my husband and I AND from my parents and had my husband pay for them. It is typical of her, as she always has to be in control. He never stands up to her, and I’m tired of it. I feel guilty saying it, but I wish she had died instead. She brings tension into our home. Other relatives have even commented on it. But I’ve had friends and relatives tell me I handle it all very well. I just don’t think I can do it anymore. Any insights or advice?

    • Judy

      as a mother in law…. I do not think it was ‘wrong’ for mother to ask the assistance of a son to help make plans for the father’s funeral. Mother in law might not have been able to make prearranged plans due to her emotions of loosing husband and her own cultural beliefs. I give her some leeway on this. However, I do think it was inappropriate to select flowers and then tell others to pay for them.

    • kate

      Help I am going through the same thing.

      • Elain Benes

        Me too! My MIL has had a few serious health scares lately, but has pulled through. Guess what I’m not gonna say next.

  • Samantha de Ruiter

    This has helped so much. My boyfriends mom has banned be from their house, and things have been difficult the pass few months. I really don’t know what her issue is and I’ve tried to be the better person and talk to her in public but she flat out ignores me. This gives me some hope.

  • GoGetEmGal

    Thank you so much for this. This post was an answered prayer. I have a “hot and cold”one I’m dealing with. I’m a good, respectful person. If she doesn’t like me, that’s cool. As long as I have my manners, I’m good. Recently she mentioned that I don’t say “hi” to her as often when we visit but that’s far from the truth. I questioned my bf about this (bc it wasn’t true) and he just said, “don’t worry about it”. The complaints go either way – i either don’t say ‘hi’ enough or talk too much; either i’m not over there visiting her or i’m there all the time…it never ends. My parents (surprisingly) said that I should NEVER bend backwards for her and it’s her with the problem. As long as I’m being true to myself, no universal law of bad karma can get to me.

  • nina

    this article made me feel great thank you so much for this!!

  • Ali

    Great article. I divorced the guy (after 14 yrs of marriage) who was an EXTREME mama’s boy (needed to be with her every day. Let her control everything).
    …And I’ve never looked back since. That was seven yrs ago. It was the only way out.

    And guess what???? he is 47 and STILL lives with his witchy mean controlling crazy 87y/o mother.

    And now I’m free, and sooooo happy not to have to deal with the b.s.. I would have been so miserable if I’d stayed.

    Now I steer clear of any guy who does not recognize his mean mother, and who doesn’t defend me when she is acting like a jealous mean mil. I only date guys who have the guts to stand up to their mother if she is in the wrong.

    I have a boyfriend now. His mother (I thought) was really nice. Until she started with the jealousy comments and talking bad about me to other relatives. My b.f. thinks his mother is crazy. He tells her straight out, since you won’t stop talking this way we’re leaving. He tells me he knows she lies, and that she likes gossip, and that she is totally wrong. He says he can’t stand going over her house, because “she’s always been like this. she gets mad at anything when she can’t have her way.”

    So glad my b.f. isn’t at all like my exH (Mama’s boy), who used to tell me off, and defend his idiot mother. There were no words to describe the anger and hurt I felt, when my exH would refuse to defend me, because he was afraid of his mother.

    Anyone who has an extreme mama’s boy for a husband, a guy without a spine to tell his mother she’s wrong and take your side, PLEASE LEAVE the marriage because it’s a losing battle.

    Thank you all for posting. Your stories bring back memories of my nightmare marriage. I’m SO happy to be free of all of it.

  • Karicka Battle-pruitt

    My MIL doesn’t like me for some apparent reason. I have been married to my husband for 10 years but we have been a couple for 16years and when I say a MILfrom heell. She has caused so much conflict in our marriage but when I speak to him about her then gets defensive and I’m not allowed to say anything about her. Well just recently a situation happen in our home where she has been living with us. My husband and I had a heated disagreement and all of a sudden she butted in and started taking his side. I had enough so I just replied with please say out of this it between him and I but she keep talking so he got mad at me and started calling me names. So I got defensive but make a long story she was inside the house where our 14year old daughter waas at she went in her room and started meddling saying things to her like your daddy never liked you calling me a b word and when my daughter replied she called her a b. When our daughter approach her dad with what she had said she denied everything. Point is how can I get him to see what his mother has done because now my daughter won’t talk to her father. I’m so upset thinking a divorcing my husband behind his mothers actions.

    • Guess 2014

      I would put cameras in the house and I will record her to gather evidence that she’s actually a bad person.

    • disqus_2Q2ezUuL79

      I feel your pain, and I’ve been through almost the exact same thing.

  • Christine Cookson Veach

    I did the above for 24 years. She repeatedly hurt me the entire time. Then she made the mistake of turning on her son and granddaughter a few times. That led the entire family to say ENOUGH. We cut her, her lies, her drama and her mean spirit-ness out of our lives. And the peace we have found in the last 18 months, the utter RELIEF to not have to tip toe around her and do all of the above anymore has been BLISS. We promised the siblings not to put them in the middle and we have kept that promise. And our relationships, now free of interference from the MIL, has strengthened considerably. I’m not saying your advice is wrong… try it, if it works more the better. If it doesn’t… don’t keep trying for 24 long years like I did. It’s freaking exhausting.

  • Chessa

    My mother-in-law is a lie. My husband and I have been married for almost two years and when we got engaged the first words she told my husband was “there’s other fishies in the sea”.
    After we got married she claimed me as one of hers, she loved me so much and was happy that I was her daughter-in-law and wanted me to be the first one to give her a grandchild.
    Around last winter all the way up to now, things suddenly changed. She doesn’t claim me as one of hers or her “daughter-in-law”, I’m addressed as “her sons wife”, She treats my husband and I like children. Her and I just can’t be around each other at all cause we just won’t get along. Sadly months after we got married and feb of this year my husband and I have had 2 miscarriages and she blamed me for not being able to “successfully carry”. My husband got on her for that then she tried to cover it up by saying something worse like “she probley wasn’t taking care of herself”. Also when my husband and I have our normal couple arguments cause we hit the bumpy road phase last year, her solution for us was to get a divorce. She was like “you all argue everyday” (when she wasn’t around us everyday), “you don’t get along, you both are angry kids… etc”. She really seriously couldn’t back anything up. She doesn’t want us to have any kids any time soon my husband let her get to his head about that but always tells me to ignore her about that subject all the time, trust me I do! I’m hoping to be pregnant soon and the day I find out I’m not telling her. I know my husband will (not right away) want to but I honestly don’t want anything to do with a divorced, manipulative, two faced, judgmental, hypocritical, flakey bitch who happens to be my mother-in-law that’s been in and out of all kinds of relationships like affairs, abusive, short term, cougar, distant, just the worst nasty relationships you can think of she’s been apart of all of them and she’s defiantly not the one to give advice to us and my husband knows and agrees greatly with me on this!
    But not this part: She is a pathetic human being. And I do not wish to be on any kind of terms with her and wish that I have never met her. I know this would hurt my husband If I told him and I wish his mom was a better person but I can’t change who she is or anyone at that.

  • Ariel

    I just wanted to say thank you for this post. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost 7 years and we informed his mother (now my future MIL) that we wanted to get married (not that it’s the first time she’s heard the idea. I mean, what did she expect to happen after us dating so long). She flipped out and proved what I had only assumed true – she hates me and always has. I googled how best to deal with it and this was one of first to show up. I can’t describe how helpful this proved to be and how much more at ease I am with the whole thing. So, thank you.

  • sunny

    My mil hates me too and I’m clueless on how to make it better. She paints such a bad picture of me and truthfully I’m a good wife. My husband is jobless for the first time ever and we have 2 small children, my husband had an interview and she didn’t even want him to use “one” of her cars. I don’t like to tell my husband about her rude comments because I don’t want him in the middle and if I talk to my family they get ready to wage war! She thinks her son could have done better.

  • Jessee

    Thank you for writing this. My question is how do you handle this with kids involved? My mother in law hates me and doesn’t have much of a relationship with my kids. Yet she loves my sister in law (husbands brothers wife) and their baby girl. We had three miscarriages and when we told her we were pregnant with my youngest (now 10 months old) she said “thought you two would have learned to prevent that by now”. I have three children, oldest is 8 and I am a great mother. But she tells my brother and sister in law how they should have more kids, she’s been there for everything to do with their daughter who’s only 15 months old but doesn’t know anything about my kids. I have tried and tried to get her to be more involved but have failed. It has really gotten bad since a fight with my brother in law and his wife, due to his wife lying about things I supposedly said to her so she could gain sympathy from my mother in law. Now I don’t know what to do because my girls want a relationship with her and are very hurt because they don’t but their cousin does. How do I help my kids? Will she ever love them or only be distant with them because they are my kids? Help please…I can’t keep my cool much longer.

  • Patty

    ugh I can totally relate, in my previous marriage my husband and I were together for 8 1/2 years dating and we were married 4. My mother in law was my second mother in every extent of the word, she is absolutely amazing and loving and I love her to death to this day, she has always been there for me and I can guarantee she always will be. Now that I started dating again my boyfriend is amazing, everything I could ever want but of course he had to have a defect… his mother! She has been so manipulative and always plays the victim. We are from different religious backgrounds so everything I do to her seems wrong (I will probably burn in hell for having a marriage that didn’t work out and being 4 years older than him) then she gets upset when I don’t go to church with them but cannot accept that he would want to come to church with me. Not only that but he financially supports her (because God forbid she ever works of her husband alone can support her on his income) so sometimes we have to juggle with money because he has to provide for her. In front if me she is so loving and nice but behind me she says all kinds of mean things and belittles me. I am tired of this! I really hope I can keep up with it because he is so worth it but she drives me insane.

  • jane

    This is so helpful! I’m glad I’m not the only one with this problem. My mil was so nice to me till I got pregnant and had her grandson my baby. She acts all happy but then later after making little hurtful remarks about me and my family said she just doesn’t know how she feels about my son being born. Who says that!? My fiance already has another kid and she treats his daughter completely different than our son. She will go out and buy all sorts of things for her but never any for our son. Which is her grandson. I have been very nice to her but she deletes me from Facebook and makes it a point to add his ex back on there. Treats me and my son so different and always puts me down. I just think how long can I take the high road and not say anything and now it’s even harder bc we have a son she’s treating differently too. It’s sad bc that’s his grandma and she’s not even happy he’s born. My fiance asked her to come up more and visit us bc we live 45 mins away and with the kids it’s hard to make it there a lot then she called me and went off on me saying that everyone always comes to her that’s how it always works. There’s a ton more she has done but how long can I keep taking the high road. I want to just ex her out of my life but I don’t for my fiance but it’s hard to let things just roll off my back. Especially when it comes to my son and how he’s being treated.

  • Lisa B.

    I can not say or express how much this post has helped to remove the sense of devastation that I have felt by the utter hatred & disdain from my former monster-in-law that I found myself subjected to for simply loving one of her sons. The pain & misery that she created is a weight & a burden that I an happy to be rid of. However, her son learned how to be just as destructive as his mother in the end, & now I am left to fight for custody of my daughters against some extremely cold & calculating manipulative former family members. I am free while my daughters are not. It is tough to have survived domestic violence from your former spouse but to be unable to get your daughters out. Reading these posts reminds me that by continuing to try & be a better & loving person their hatred can not ruin me. So I try.

  • anymore

    The guy my girlfriend left me for dumped her for someone he works with after casting the win ex back spell which my friend introduce me to! the win ex back spell works fast! Of course she called me and pleaded for my forgiveness and now she always want to be with me,she is always attached to me now trusting everything i say to her. I love knowing I had everything to do with this winexbackspell@gmail.com for i will keep shearing the goodness until i am satisfy.

  • Kiwi

    I’m still a young person so I really don’t understand much, but why are all these MIL stories involved with such a wimpy husband? Fucking defend your child’s mother for gods sake.

  • AmericanWoman

    My life sucks… I am engaged and my fiance’s mom hates my guts and makes my life miserable… I suffer from depression and ptsd from the military already and she makes me feel unsafe… and safety is my priority. She swears she loves me all the time but today she threw a plastic container at me while i was washing the dishes. Oh and I forgot to mention we live with her and have been trying to buy a house for months now… My fiance is torn between us so I have stopped telling him about his mothers evil doings but I am trying so hard to respect her in her house. She threw something at me today and started shouting to Jesus like she had the holy ghost… It scared the crap out of me so much I dont think I can sleep here im afraid she might do something crazy. She kept shouting and speaking in tongues and saying that the holy spirit keeps telling her that I am not right for her son… and she is always talking to people on the phone saying horrible things about me… she doesnt even know me at all. I love my fiance but I am afraid that she has caused so much harm to me mentally that I don’t know if even if we move that I could spend the rest of my life dealing with some lady that acts like she is in a poltergeist or exorcist movie. The worst part is that she is always talking about God which kills me cause I don’t think God would want Christians to treat other people the way she treats me… If I dont do something soon im going to end up in a mental institution… My health has been getting worse since we moved in with her I cant function.. I don’t want to leave my room or cook dinner cause she is always around the house it seems just waiting to attack…

  • maria

    I don’t no how to put this,.. but I married my husband and moved out of town then 3months later moved back for work. My husband had a bad drinking problem an was looking into rehabs. When we went back to our house he said he didn’t feel like rehabs were right for him that he just needs someone to talk to( which I fully support him in any decision he makes.) Well when we went to tell his mother she flipped out, and came to me saying ” u can take this however u want, I don’t like u, I don’t think ur right for my son, u come with a lot of baggage, he has to fix himself before he fixes u” (I have no baggage! I have no kids. The only thing I have is divorced parents that bring me into everything but I don’t drag my husband into it at all) but back tracking a Lil, she’s always made me feel unwelcome or unwanted where ever we’re at, and i always kill her with kindness so her saying that just confirmed that I am hated. …so anyways my car has been stuck at their house for 6 months now because the lovely mother Inlaw doesn’t want me over at her house. And I can’t help but to think it over and over in my head. Parts of me wanted to commit back with a smart ass commit but all I said was OK and walked out of her house… My father in law even said she told her other daughter Inlaw the similar thing when she was pregnant… Now its her husbands birthday an everyone is going out to celebrate it an yet I wasn’t invited which I don’t care cuz I was expecting it but I can see how it effects my husband. He doesn’t want to go cuz I’m not allowed to. And what really bugs me is how hell text his mother an all shell text back is 2,words… How and what can I do to deal with this and to get over it and help my husband cope with the way his mother is treating us?

  • Docas Laranch

    just want to share my experience with the world on how I got my love back and saved my marriage… I was married for 6years with 2kids and we lived happily until things started getting ugly and we had fights and arguments almost every time… it got worse at a point that he filed for divorce… I tried my best to make him change his mind & stay with me because I love him so much and don’t want to loose him but everything just didn’t work out… he moved out of the house because it was a rented apartment and still went ahead to file for divorce… I pleaded and tried everything but still nothing worked. The breakthrough came when someone introduced me to this wonderful, great spell caster who eventually helped me out… I have never been a fan of things like this but just decided to try reluctantly because I was desperate and left with no choice… He did special prayers and used roots and herbs… Within 7 days he called me and was sorry for all the emotional trauma he had cost me, moved back to the house and we continue to live happily, the kids are happy too and we are expecting our third child… I have introduced him to a lot of couples with problems across the world and they have had good news… Just thought I should share my experience because I strongly believe someone out there need’s it… You can email him through his email address; spirituallove@hotmail. com

  • Julie Moses

    Can the marriage last through this? I’m starting to lose hope, because I’m pretty sure it’s everyone on that side of the family.

  • kim

    I have been in a relationship with my BF for 2 years (of the which we have been happily living together for 1 year). We are both very happy with one another but I recently discovered that his mother is not too fond of me. She smiles and asks “When are you having children? I want a grandchild” and then says negative things about me behind my back. His mother tells him that I am not right for him and discourages him from continuing our relationship. She has even talked him out of proposing to me in the future and tries to casually bring other girls around for him to meet.

    Her dislike for me seems to be a combination of various things: we have different cultural backgrounds (I am not white), I also think she see’s me as “high maintenance” (I am an ambitious city girl who works and spends her hard earned money freely; and she was raised VERY simple in the country and has experienced financial hardships most her life as a single mom). I also believe she is a bit envious of our relationship (as someone who has replaced her). My BF was temporarily staying at his moms house after college. She became used to having him around and became financially dependent on him since he would contribute towards the house expenses generously. When he moved in with me, she was distraught.

    In addition to all of the above, She works for my BF and is married (therefore has no need to rely on him so heavily), I feel like she takes advantage of him and wants everything for herself; she feels like she has put in her dues and should be able to kick back and not work anymore. (I have NEVER expressed that to anyone before). On the other hand, I am very independent, pay half of the bills in the house and I am NOT easily manipulated. I do not mooch off her son and don’t understand why she feels so threatened by me.

    MY QUESTION IS:
    What is the best way to handle this situation? How do I ensure she doesn’t meddle in my relationship and how can I convince her that I am good for her son?
    I would like to nip this in the bud now, especially since it is still early in our relationship. I have been very kind and generous towards her and don’t know what else I can do besides “kill her with kindness”

    • sarah889

      honey since she’s working for him there is nothing you can do, got the same ‘blessings’ and I can tell you no matter what you do it will get worse.

  • Natasha

    I’ve been in a relationship for almost a year now, and I have been financially independent from the beginning (I don’t have a constant job but I manage to earn enough). Since we started in the summer I was pretty much absent and we were together maybe like one week in a month.

    And of course we spent those days together (I was sleeping over at his place, and he was sleeping in my place. We both live with our parents).

    He is the only child (mama’s boy) and his mother is a total control freak. It started showing right after we came back from vacation at the very beginning of our relationship, saying we spent too much money and next time we are going with them! (ain’t happening).

    She is against every decision we make, always has an argument.. everything is expensive, bad choice if he doesn’t ask her.

    I didn’t really bother and I was very nice all the time, I think she misunderstood my kindness with weakness.

    My intuition was telling me she is mean, selfish, and doesn’t want me around her house. But I didn’t tell anyone.

    Once I was at a family gathering, my bf was talking on the phone and in front of his grandparents and his aunt she asked me to bring something from the kitchen (I did of course with all respect) and then she took a seat next to me, grabbed my hand and told me “You haven’t been beaten!” in a sarcastic loud tone :S

    I felt devastated, but didn’t change my face expression, just went numb.

    (What the hell was that?!)

    And when we wen’t in his room, I told him what she said there in front of everyone on the table, explained that it was out of any context..
    He was shocked and revealed that she is like that (talks a lot), and I should’t worry about it.
    But deep down I knew I recognized pure evil.

    I have been raised by my grandmother, she was living with us and was practically there more than my mother (who is workaholic).
    Grandma was always against my mum and I have witnessed her indirect destructive power in action (feeding my father information and causing huge fights in the family, often including my brother and me).
    It’s a miracle my parents didn’t divorce.
    It’s a miracle me and my brother are living normal lives, he is happily married, i am in a happy relationship, etc.
    My point here is that, I have seen what “overprotective” mil’s are capable of doing out of pure evil, without any other motive except for their own satisfaction.
    There’s nothing we can really do about it but I think no soul is desperate enough to put up with it.

    Another thing… my bf wasn’t working when we met, he is finishing his master studies and looking for a job. But he had some money from previous job that he was spending (for him, he never had enough to buy me drinks and stuff, but I had money and it wasn’t a problem). Some time ago, his account wen’t zero. And that’s when I started taking him for coffee and stuff. My “MIL” doesn’t give him even enough for food. And god she has a job, his dad has a job (when FIL wants to give my BF money, she doesn’t let him, she has control over him), and my bf is an only child! How can this be?! Is it because she doesn’t want him to spend her money with me?
    He is a very good person, and when he had more in the past, and they were in need, he helped them a lot financially, so I don’t get it….

    Where is this hatred coming from?

    She started being explosive towards my BF, slamming doors this couple of months, yelling about anything when I’m there, for example why my BF left his jacket in the living room, on the chair. She is out of control.
    Sometimes she is too nice, it crosses my mind that she really has some mental problem.
    I haven’t been in their house for a few weeks, I just don’t feel comfortable there, but I keep finding excuses and my BF doesn’t buy them anymore.
    I can’t lie to him, but I can’t lie to myself either, I won’t act like I approve her behavior.

    My mother was a silent victim, not a fighter. In the end my grandma died in her arms. She died in the hospital, but when they took her home to wash her, mama told me that she released a painful sigh, like her last breath.. in her arms.
    Not that I hate grandma, but the evil MIL was 91 years old when she died.
    The damage was already done.
    I guess karma has it’s way, may be a long way and I don’t think I can calm down and let it be. No one will feed of my life energy by making me miserable.

    • sarah889

      An only child?
      worst case scenario is staying and wasting your time ’cause mamma’s got a hold on this boy and won’t lose the control she has built over him. Mil I’m dealing with is worse she is his boss at home and his boss at work maybe she thinks she is my boss too :-)

  • Patricia

    I was supposed to get married on May 3rd of this month. My fiancee called off the wedding because he wanted his parents to have time to get used to me and so I could prove that I was not the person they thought I was. Problem is we had been living together for 7 months (one month prior to the non-wedding) and during this time, they kept telling everyone how wonderful they thought I was and how much they loved me and were happy i was to become part of the family. One month before the wedding after all arrangements had been made, they came to our home and told me they believed I would hurt their grandchildren. Shock, outrage, and utter disbelief. They proceeded to tell me when I disagreed with their assessment that I was juvenile, that I ran away from my problems, that I was disrespectful of my elders, and on it went. My fiancee was present for this and after they made their initial outrageous accusations I walked away from the “discussion” which proved my juvenile, disrespectful, and run-away tendencies. My fiancee convinced me to return and further discuss their “concerns” against my better judgement. He did not tell them they were wrong in their accusations, that they were wrong to attack me in my own home, that they had no right to treat our home as an extension of their own, or to get out until things calmed down. I sat there and asked them what evidence they had for me “hurting” the children and was told” you told the girl no and when she asked again, you snapped at her with “I already told you no”” and because I told the girl it was rude for her to make her grandpa wait on her because he came to pick her up and she wanted to play outside on the trampoline, then relayed this to her father in front of grandpa. I also told them that since I successfully raised my now 19 year old son without hurting him, they had no basis in reality for the accusation. I love this man enough that after a thirteen year break in our dating, I agreed to give up everything and move almost 2 thousand miles to be with him and his children aged 10 and 8. My freedom and independence, my career, my home were all given up freely and this man is not giving up anything in return. I was perfectly fine ignoring the snide remarks from his mother when I didn’t do what she wanted with her grandkids but this has been blown out of proportion.How can I get him to tell his parents sorry you don’t agree but grow up and treat her with respect as she is here to stay? He wants to get married he says but wants them to have a chance and give their approval. I asked him whether he would have divorced me after we were married and this happened and he realized this makes no sense but is warring with showing respect to his parents.
    Lost

  • Blaze

    This was very helpful and I enjoyed reading this blog. Unlike you ladies, I have to deal with my sil and MIL they both dislike me. I have been with my husband 15 years and we recently got married last year. She (MIL) doesn’t acknowledge me, she doesn’t accept my two sons (they aren’t for my husband), but she wants to be apart of our daughter life and I won’t allow it. I don’t call, her, go to her house when my husband goes, basically I have no relationship with her or my husband’s sister. My husband has a son prior to meeting me, and they tried their damnest to make excuses why he should have left me and moved back to his hometown. The boy who is now 18 has lived with his mother and my MIL and sil would just do things for the boy as if his mom was non existent. Then they would call my husband and brag about what they did for the boy and make my husband feel like he owed them. They also did things for the boy to make my husband feel guilty about not being in the boys life like they felt he should. My husband works overseas, so he is rarely home, but when he would come home they expected him to run up and down the highway behind the child. Now the child is older and hates his dad and I feel it’s because of the negative things and thoughts they have put in the boys head about his dad and me. For Christmas the MIL and sil would buy gifts for my daughter and husband, but nothing for me and my sons. I addressed this issue and they told me my sons weren’t for my husband, but he has raised my sons from babies. It’s so much I have been through with them, they have treated me ugly since day 1, at first the sister was cool, but she started acting like her mother. Mind you, the sister has no husband, 4 kids and she lives next door to my MIL…… -_- We didn’t tell them when we got married, we went to the justice of the peace and it was just us two. Well my MIL and sil found out via a post I made on Facebook from my husband’s messy ass cousins., and she was furious! When my husband did talk to her, she cursed him out, told him he was out of her will and omg she went crazy she even called me a bitch! She didn’t say congratulations to him nor me, and she just hates he married me. The sister told him congrats but it was fake, they are all fake, his whole family. He is so afraid of his mom, he doesn’t want to hurt their feelings or disrespect his mom, but she calls him Mr. Muthafucka, totally disrespecting the man he is. I just stay away, because I know me and I will snap on them, my family embraces my husband and treat him like people are supposed to be treated. His family is just so messed up, I really believe they are jealous of him and they strive on making his life miserable like theirs. They lie and are cutthroat towards each other. I stay away from them.

  • Elizabeth Garcia

    Hi Everyone,
    My name is Elizabeth, and I just want to share my lovely experiences with my MIL. I do not really have advice for anyone but reading others posts brings me comfort, it lets me know that I am not alone and the problems is not with me. Im hoping to do the same for others.
    The first six months my husband and I dated my MIL loved me, in fact, she knew me so well that she always bought me gifts that I LOVED. She bought me closed toed shoes, cause she knew I get grossed out by toes, and when she bought me clothes, when she she gave it to me, not only was it beautiful, it had been hemmed to my exact measurements. She bought me beautiful handbags, my favorite muffins, I thought I had hit the jackpot with her. When he proposed at six months everything changed. It was a total surprise for everyone, including me. When we told her, about 10 minutes after it happened because we were meeting them for dinner, she could not say anything at all, except for “it looks like he spent way too much money on that ring.” She was “helping” us with the wedding planning but ended up taking over and everything was done her way. It was a total nightmare. She spent the whole evening of our wedding reception telling all of our 500 guests ( all her friends, people I didn’t even know for the most part) that she came up with all the ideas and that this was really her wedding. When we got back from our honeymoon she told me I looked like I had gained weight. I weigh 124 pounds. When I wrote thank you letters for our wedding, she opened them and proofread them and then called to tell me she did not like them and would be re-doing them for me, as a favor to me. When our wedding pictures came in, I put together our wedding album. She threw a fit because there was not an 8X10 picture of her in our wedding album and went 3 months without talking to my husband. When my husband and I bought our brand new beautiful home, she came over and brought all her friends, and then she led them in a discussion about how she hated our house. When my husband confronted her about it, she got upset and went another 3 months without speaking to him. She and my husband constantly argue about stupid things and she usually hangs up on him after telling him things like, “you have changed for the worse since you married her. You are no longer my son! Do not ever call me again!” When my husband’s grandmother got sick, we were going to go see her but she was mad at my husband for some reason, and she told us that if we came, she would call the police on us. When his grandmother died, we went up there for the funeral, yelled and screamed about how all we cared about was his grandmother and not her! She told my husband things would have been better between them two if he had never married me. After all these fights, she normally pretends they never happened or that she does not remember and calls my husband a few months later. So recently she came to visit for the holidays and she brought some of her regular thoughtful gifts. For me, a folding lawn chair that she felt the need to announce that its great because it holds up to 250 pounds. She also gave me some cook books on cooking light and easy and one on how to make macaroni and cheese the easy way. By the way, these books were used and had the stickers from a garage sale. For my husband, he received some lovely zip ties. I recently has surgery and supposedly she was really concerned about my well being. So when my husband called her to tell her I was in recovery, she told him she was busy and had guests and couldn’t talk. I do not know what I ever did to this woman. I am a nice girl, I work, I have no baggage, I don’t have bad spending habits, I don’t do drugs, I am clean, and am very well educated and come from a great family. I have been married 3 years now and can say that our biggest cause for disagreements has been his family. We are trying hard, but she is definitely making things stressful for us. I have strong family values and don’t want my husband to lose ties with his family but I am not sure where to set boundaries.

    Best advice I can give is to pray and stay focused on your marriage. Do not let go of happiness and a family because she is immature.

  • Linnea R Fast

    Yes in the norm. But let’s give another scenario like mine. I’m an ex mother in law to a real bitch. She -on the sly manipulated an affair with my very special ex son in law. Yes. She broke up two marriages with my grandson in the middle who may I add has not had contact with me since. So before you say things about mother in laws, consider bitch daughter in-laws. Ironically, those two are made for each other. And they both have one thing in common…..me, the ex mother in law and karma.

  • Charlie yuille

    Help ! My soon to be MIL hates me I swear . I told her how I felt and the shit she said was wrong Im getting married in 9 months ! What can I do

  • Charlotte

    Does my mother in law hate me?

    mother in law hates me. She’s always ignoring me and made the mistake of ignoring me in front of my boyfriend once. Whenever my boyfriend confront her about things she plays the innocent card. Things never improve though, so she’s clearly not innocent and I know this is all deliberate because she’s as good as gold in front of my boyfriend.

    In front of my boyfriend she is really nice to me, except I won’t say much because when I do, I know I will start getting ignored again, but she’s a bit more subtle about it now in front of my boyfriend. She rarely slips up in front of him but when she does he doesn’t even notice. She has pushed me before and I landed into our car…she has also given me a light little slap in front of him, which he noticed but didn’t say anything.

    When I’m alone with her (which I try not to be) she ignores me or gives me “advice” about what I should be eating and sometimes it’s stuff I’ve already mentioned in passing. Some things still hurt, like once where she saw me eating fruit I think it was, and said “oh are you going through a healthy phase?” I’ve tried turning these “advice” sessions into conversations and that’s worked, as long as I’m just saying things like “ahh yeah, that’s good”. If I say much more then I will get ignored.

    When it’s me, her other daughter in law and herself, then those two will talk and no matter how much I try or how much attention the other daughter in law gives me, she will actually act as if I’m not even there. One of the worst times was at a funeral. My boyfriend couldn’t walk with us but asked them to take care of me as I’d just had surgery and could barely stretch my legs out in front of me. They didn’t take care of me at all and sped off. I made my stitches bleed trying to keep up and even then I couldn’t. My mother in law kept looking back and smiling/giggling. Then she kept looking where I was standing, standing directly in front of me and talking to my sister in law so that I couldn’t even join in the conversation if I wanted to. She also kept talking about babies, knowing full well I’d recently had a miscarriage and wasn’t over it. If you like someone, you want to talk to them, not go out of your way to talk to someone else and not you. She will always talk about my sister in law to me, saying how she’s the best.

    My boyfriend either forgets a lot of things or ignores a lot or passes it off as she wasn’t thinking much into it and is innocent. Surprising how much that innocent card works for her. She was told to drive carefully because I’d just had surgery, her bracelet “catches her wrist” and she almost does a full circle and manages not to crash- stitches pull and bleed. Boyfriend has since forgotten this. While I was going through my miscarriage she was the nicest she’s ever been to me and I wish that could always be the case, but obviously in better circumstances. However, when my boyfriend was away from us she’d say things like “well you haven’t got to be too upset, at least it wasn’t anything”. And when he was with us she said “on the bright side, I wasn’t ready to be a grandmother”. I understand his reasoning that she was probably just trying to lighten the mood, and I do think she could have been coming from good intentions, however it still stung, a lot and I think if I wasn’t already so sad that I would’ve spiralled after that. We went to a family wedding one time and she spent most of it with her sister looking at me, laughing, whispering and pointing. She also came over to me and my sister in law and said how another couple she saw there wouldn’t make it. My sister in law asked how she knows that, that she can spot a good couple and that for example they aren’t like my brother and sister in law. She just looked at me and smiled.

    I recently decided to text her a lot, to try and build our relationship, because if she just gets to know me then maybe it won’t be so bad. Plus then it cheers my boyfriend up. But she doesn’t text, it would always be me to text and initiate a conversation and by conversation I mean more like an interview of her. She did once message me and my boyfriend together which was amazing but went back to just messaging my boyfriend. She’s told me before how she texts my sister in law a lot and she’s always talking to her, it’s just…why don’t I have equal treatment? All I am is nice and I’ve been called high maintenance before by her. She’s always making comments that are passive aggressive, she said my family is probably nice and “normal” with an emphasis on normal, in front of my sister in law, well she was talking to her, not me and then was laughing and when I said what my family are like she ignored me and looked irritated. Anything I say I’m interested in, she says “ew” or “urgh” and pulls a face, in front of my boyfriend too but he takes no notice. Anything my sister in law is interested in is amazing to her and she takes an interest. I was looking at a one direction thing and she came behind me and my boyfriend and listened to what I was saying, then walked ahead and said, oh is that one direction? Erghhhh. On that day too she also left me to pack all her shopping, and put it all on the conveyor belt and just kept laughing with the shop assistant saying how she didn’t have to do anything, even though I said I’d like some help.

    During this time I’ve been trying to build a relationship with her, she still says ew when I say things I like, she even pulled a face when I said I’d got a disney cd. Then I said it was love songs for me and my boyfriend and she just physically turned away. She also still ignores me if my boyfriend isn’t there. I’ve had one decent-ish conversation since when I’ve been on my own with her and it was her saying things I’ve said a billion times to her and she knows and saying it like it was her teaching me something…can’t explain it’s too long winded but I went along with it and had an ok conversation, it just proved though that she does ignore me. I’m still trying but it brings me down so much that I’m the one making an effort and trying to make things better. She never even tried with me. She loves her other daughter in law. She’s the kind of person who says “love you” to people, I’ve seen it, so I said it to her and she said nothing. Didn’t even acknowledge it. My boyfriends dad side of the family is completely different so I’m not making this shit up. This is awful and I can’t tell my boyfriend cause I don’t want him to fall out with his mum. When I used to tell him, he said he didn’t want to go over any more. I also can’t confront her about it cause I think she will just be nasty and play innocent again and make me look like the bad guy.

    • sarah889

      Some ignorance from your side would be perfect for a change, try to understand her intentions then give her the same attitude next time when you have a chance, if you don’t stand up for yourself no one will.

  • maryjane

    My mother in law sold my fiance and I their house after neglecting it for decades. They hid mold and other issues from the inspector so we paid WAY MORE than it was worth. Then they left my name off the title.
    Last week, I described to her the veil I chose for my wedding to her son, and she LAUGHED in my face!!!
    Now she has invited herself to my bachelorette party.
    So glad I’m not alone and crazy!

  • Humble Bee

    I am recently going through some similarities, my “MIL” has such a close relationship with my husband, sometimes I really don’t know who his wife is, he sticks up for her whenever she breaks me down, he tells me that it’s all me and my fault that I feel this way, if I would have known that she was a controlling, manipulating, mentally unstable bitch, I probably would have never married her son. She got to be a bar fly while she raised her kids and her husband worked 24/7 and I’m the opposite! I work (took care of her son the first year and a half of our relationship) and I’m a full-time college student and a Mother! My husband tells her every part of our marriage, even the sex (which I find creepy and insulting at the same time), I hardly speak to my parents, I see them maybe once a month if that, but I just don’t understand why every time my son and I come over, she literally makes us sit on the couch and be quiet, my son is not allowed to play or socialize with any of them, (my son is only 6) and when my son asks for anything she acts like he is Not even human. My son deserves the best, but I feel like I made the biggest mistake marrying into this family. I don’t know what to do anymore, my husband has picked up a lot of her traits and I am growing apart from him EVERY day……

    • Jean.

      That is when it is time to tell your husband that if he is going to tell his mom aboutyoursex life, that you will not give him sex until he stops and respects you.
      And for those of you who feel the need to say that a wife should not do that, then make sure you give a better solution, because what he does when he shares the most intimate part of your marriage with his mother or anyone, is to betray and disrespect his wife in a profund level. And this is what those biblical wife websites SHOULD be discussing, instead of telling wives to submit.

      Wives, show your husbands all the comments on this site and help him to see how wrong it is for a husband to betray his wife this way.

      It is okay for wife to challenge her husband when he does her wrong. Ifyou do not confront him, you will be filled with bitterness and anger at him and his mother. 10-24-14

  • Mrs. Seda

    I’m going through much of what you covered but it’s all because my wife made the mistake of calling and complaining about our marriage issues and arrguments to my MIL. Now she texts my wife telling her she’s a mess and needs to leave me additionally she told her that I’m no longer welcome at her house. The good thing about this is that she is divorced from my father in law and he loves me to pieces. I’ve set boundaries with my wife and can only hope that she respects them his time in not blabbing our marriage issues to her horrid mother !