My family and I endured a difficult visit from a relative this summer. He is a hard, cold, angry person, and he makes our home nearly uninhabitable. He is mean to us, constantly telling us in the rudest way imaginable how wrong we are in every aspect of our lives: political, spiritual, familial, literally every area.

Despite all of this, our oldest son came to our bedroom the night before he left and said, “I can’t stand it when he’s here, but when he’s leaving, I feel sad.” And he broke down in tears.

I was feeling the same way. Though we are doing all we can to keep our children positive and optimistic, I realized that the more positive our children become about themselves, the more conscious of negativity they become.

And seeing him reveal his tender heart toward a man who had been mean to him made me cry. We spent some time that night trying to understand the feeling, one I can only describe as a feeling of loss and mourning. I can honestly say it felt similar to the way I felt when my mother died.

I have known this relative my entire life, and my son has only endured him for ½ of the time I have. So I wondered, why do we do this? Why do we feel sorry for people who are mean to us, especially when they seem so indifferent to our emotional responses?

I looked into the psychological aspects of it. What I found was a lot of jargon about “inclusive fitness” and “evolutionary benefits of staying in the social circle.” There is also all that talk about “codependency” and “reliance.”

That’s all fine if we want to understand this response in evolutionary terms. I have studied and greatly appreciate what the field of Psychology explains to us about our behavior.

But I wanted to know more about the individual feelings and the human aspect. That is, why does my heart ache for this man despite his attitude toward me? What is going on with my emotions that leads me to mourn for a person who treats me and my family so poorly?

I wanted to know more so I could understand myself. And also because I refuse to believe that everyone who endures abuse or mistreatment is weak or codependent. Isn’t it possible that we are just very compassionate?

Of course, everyone who is mistreated does not feel sorry for the perpetrator. I know that. But I often see two ends, two extremes of behavior. The receiver of the mistreatment either mourns for the person or she hates him. Sometimes we feel both. But there is little room for a medium.

My family and I spent a lot of time discussing this after our visitor left. And I think we understand why we do it.

We have seen some of the good in this man. We have seen him at his best, regardless of how rarely he reveals it. Many of the other people we know who know him cannot stand to be around him and question our reasons for tolerating him.

Yet we continue to love him and have not been able to tell him he is unwelcome in our home. He is alone, and we know this is situation he has created for himself. Unbearable people often find themselves alone, but with just enough interaction to provide them with basic human interaction. I can see this will happen with our family member, also, and that hurts.

We have concluded that we feel sorry for him because we see him rejecting all of the good things in the world. We see him rejecting the love and acceptance we give. We see us trying to make his visit pleasant, and we see him turning away all of the goodness we offer.

We, a family who has spent years overcoming negative thoughts, know people can change. But we can’t change him.

And that makes us sad.

At first, I was questioning whether our mourning was a need for approval.  But I knew that could not be the reason, because my family has spent a lot of time learning about self-acceptance. Also, we know this man treats all people this way. So, we know he is not targeting us directly, and we do not take it personally.

What I realized is that we are sad to see him waste his time, his energy, his money to come and visit us only to complain and have a miserable time while he is here.

We believe a life of chosen misery is a wasted life.

He visits because he feels the need to see us. He must care about us in some way, right? And he must believe that we want to see him. And he’s right. We do. But we want to see a more pleasant version of the man who visits. Knowing we can’t change him, well, that is discouraging.

We love him, but we can’t help him. And we cry over that.

When we (and I’m speaking of all of us, not just my family) spend so much time and effort changing the way we think and feel about life and the world, and we see someone we love continuing the same negative path we followed, we are heartbroken.

My son asked me if I have ever considered confronting him about his problems. I have considered it, but the problems are so deeply rooted, I really wouldn’t know where to begin or what his reaction might be. It’s almost as though I feel too sorry for him to even tell him he has problems.

My son has said he feels sorry for people who have problems they don’t know about. I agree. That might be the hardest thing to endure, especially when we love someone. We see us trying to love them, to be good to them, and to make their lives more pleasant, and we see them rejecting it.

But if we weren’t sensitive to them, if we didn’t love them, we wouldn’t care. Knowing how we have changed, how we have recognized our own difficulties and made efforts to change them, it makes watching them live negatively nearly unbearable.

Sensitivity toward a person who mistreats us is not a bad thing. It only means that our hearts have the ability to feel the feelings of others. This is something the person who mistreats us often lacks.

This is true compassion, and compassion will always help us see things clearly.

It helps us see the problems others have even when they don’t see.

Those of us who have a lot of compassion understand the nature of humans better than those who lack it. And the understanding brings even more compassion. Which comes first, compassion or understanding? I can’t say for sure, but what I do know is that each leads to more of the other.

So, why do so many people I know mourn the difficult people in their lives? Because I surround myself with compassionate people. I see it often because those are the people I want to be around. What about those who aren’t compassionate but are still in my life? My compassion allows them to stay.

Keeping an open heart and mind is the only way to evaluate these types of relationship.

The open heart, the very thing that causes us so much pain in our relationships, will always find the best way.

Don’t close your heart because it causes you pain. Keep it open and use it to help you understand the nature of those who hurt you. Understanding brings peace.

My family and I are getting plenty of practice doing this now.

Do you have someone in your life that you mourn because you know you can’t change them? How do you deal with the emotions and with the person? Please leave your comments below. And if you think others might appreciate this article, please share it with your Facebook friends or Tweet it.

I received this email from “Sheela.” She writes:

Dear TL,

Thank you for your efforts.

My problem is that, most of the time, I agree to disagree with the person I am in conversation with. This is especially true in my close relationships. Within the social circle, I have a name as a person who gets along well, and I am considered a balanced, mature person. But whenever I am with my husband, children, and friends, I sort of always tend to see things from the opposite perspective of what they say. I doubt this is to get a balanced viewpoint or to show my superiority.

I also realize that in most of the cases, I don’t have a specific view point or clear side.

My opinion is too open. So, I feel that I am sort of confused and lack clarity on who I am and what I am.

And mind you, I am a middle-aged married , mother of two grown-up boys, who was working until very recently, and I am well-read. Please help me to understand myself.

-Sheela

Dear Sheela,

Thank you for taking time to email.

Right away, I  noticed that you and I have a lot in common. For many years, and even sometimes now, I tell my family that I feel like a stranger in this world. I feel as though I think much differently than those around me, even when people agree with my ideas.  Sometimes it seems as though everyone gets something that I just don’t get.

I often feel like I am having trouble explaining myself or that people think they understand me when they actually only see the surface of who I am and what I think. In the past, I have found myself very frustrated by all of this, even to the point of mild depression.

Another interesting thing you said is that you are a middle-aged woman. I am always encouraged to hear that women in their 30’s, 40’s, 50’s and beyond are still questioning things around them. What this says to me is that you have not settled for an explanation of who you are, and you have not given up on learning about yourself.

I think there are more women in this world like this than we often realize, but like you, we think we are alone because the women who feel this way don’t talk about it. We are often afraid to speak up about our questions, afraid to contest the standards of those around us. So, we just keep our mouths closed, believing that if people really knew us, they would reject us. It can be a very lonely feeling.

You seem to be saying that, because you don’t think like everyone else around you and because other people can’t understand you, you don’t understand who you are. Please, never confuse an open mind with a lack of understanding of yourself. Instead, your open mind is part of you.

Your analysis of things around you is part of what defines the woman you are.

I always remind myself that those who think they have the answers are the furthest from the truth. The more we think we know, the less we actually do, because we have closed ourselves off to possibilities and have settled for limited knowledge.

There is a lot to be said for a person who is surrounded by like-minded family and friends yet still disagrees with them. I have been accused of arguing for argument’s sake. People have often told me that it would not matter what they say, I would disagree with them or that I merely want people to think like me.

But that certainly isn’t true.

I think that I, like you, simply don’t want to settle for the status quo, the “common sense” explanation for things, or the popular opinions. All I want (and I would bet you feel the same way) is for people to question why they feel the way they do about things. I often find that the best conversations I have with friends or family aren’t with those who agree with me. Instead, the best interactions are with those who evaluate why we disagree.

Take pride, Sheela, in the fact that you ask questions and have difficulty choosing a side. You are a critical thinker, and the best changes in life can arise from our questions we ask about ourselves, our lives, our relationships, and the world around us.

Don’t let your question about the norm or about your differences of opinion be a source of stress for you. Ease your mind by remembering that your differences of opinion are indicators of your ability to think for yourself.

Thank you again, Sheela. Thank you for saying the things that so many of us are afraid to admit. And I admire you for challenging the norm.

Keep seeking. Those who don’t seek truth are guaranteed to never find it.

-T.L.

Sometimes (quite often, actually), I look around at the extremes that exist in our world. There are so many extreme thoughts, so many unbalanced lives. I see us, humans (including myself), trying to live and find peace in a world where we are bombarded with extreme ideas, indulgence temptations, and anger and hatred among those who don’t agree with each other.

It’s disheartening sometimes. I am extremely sensitive to it, but my youngest son is worse. He read a children’s book this week in which the main human character poisoned feral cats. He sobbed. And I couldn’t help but think that as much as we dislike imbalances, we too are having trouble finding balance.

Don’t we all?

While I am proud to have a sensitive son who is also very positive about his own life, I see that our oversensitivity, a trait common to all four members of my family, does not always serve us well.

Emotions and sensitivity are beautiful, and having a strong sense of both can enrich our lives. But when we are too emotional, too sensitive, we spend a lot of time dwelling on how bad things are in the world and not enough time learning how to cope with the world.

To find balance and to maintain control, we (present company included) must recognize that some things are beyond our control.

I see people across the political spectrum (though, I must admit that I hate discussing politics and this is merely an example) practicing extreme thinking. It seems that one side sees the majority as a group in need of punishment and lacking in accountability. The other views humans as products of their societies, believing that with enough support, governmental and social, our society can be made better.

I don’t know where I fall in the spectrum, and to be frank, my opinions about humanity change from day to day.

But what I do know is that I only control me. And I can only control my own thoughts. I can’t make someone be responsible. Nor can I change how a person’s surroundings affect her life or what goes on inside her mind.

All I can do is choose how I act, how I react, how responsible I am, and how I allow (or don’t allow) my conditions and surroundings to affect what goes on inside my own mind. And that’s enough.

We may never be able to fix all that’s wrong in the world, and we may never be able to balance the extremes around us, but we can choose to seek internal balance despite what the world does or says.

Do you have a thing in your life that leaves you feeling out of control or unbalanced?

I have one – migraine headaches. I have done a lot to try to ward them off, from modern medicine to herbal and natural remedies, but I have found that the source is somewhat untreatable. And when I have a bad one, I feel like my life is being sucked out of me. When I’m in the middle of one, I wonder if I’ll ever feel good again. Sometimes I am certain I’m dying, especially when I force a mental struggle in addition to the physical struggle I cannot control.

For days both during and after the headache, I feel unbalanced, emotionally and physically. No matter what I do on those days, I find that if I release my need to control the headache or if I relinquish and give into the pain, it is much more bearable.

Do you find yourself fighting and resisting a situation? If we fight or resist a struggle to no avail, what good is that? We have only suffered and endured the pain or struggle, while increasing the emotional pain by trying to fight a battle we know we cannot win.

This is certainly not a call to inaction. I believe we can affect the world by our involvement in our communities, and I believe in devoting every minute of the day to productivity. But what I do know is that we must carefully consider our actions and choose our battles wisely.

We must ask, “Where can I be most effective? What can I change? Do I need to be an instrument of change to maintain internal peace?”

For some, that might be as a government official. For another, it might be volunteering at the local public library.

But whatever we choose, we must choose in a way that we know we can be effective without damage to our own well-being.

By acting on our dissatisfaction with the world, but by knowing what battles we are capable of winning (and this depends on the person), we can know we have done our best when we place our heads on our pillows at night and we can put the rest out of our minds.

What do you do to find balance in your life? How do you spend your time and energy to change the things you can?

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Many times, procrastination has kept me from making the most of every minute of the day. For example, yesterday my husband and I worked on a project for our business. It took longer than I expected, running well into the late afternoon. After we had supper, I looked at the clock.

5:00

I said to my husband, “It’s too late in the day to write.”

But a few minutes later, my son came to me to tell me he had only read one chapter of one of his summer reading books today. He’s going for a large number of points within a few months in hopes of earning a trophy at the end of the program.

I caught myself saying to him, “Don’t worry. It’s only 5:15. You still have plenty of time left today! It’s not too late to make today productive.”

Busted!

(Though no one noticed I was busted by me – the one who should have noticed.)

Many of us have this mode of thinking that we need time off. We are told we deserve it or we earned it. But what does too much time off do for us?

If we are unhappy with our circumstances or simply have goals we’d like to achieve, too much time off can be detrimental to our success and to our goals.

Our 40-hour work week has brainwashed us into believing we should work for our 8 hours a day and then we should stop and throw away the rest of the day.

But when our 40-hour work week is the only productive time we have in our lives, what happens to our happiness and our sense of self? When our only productive time is the work week, we become our day jobs. Some people are fine with that. I am not.

I enjoy writing far too much to give myself a 5 hour break from it. Sometimes, that 5 hours between the end of our workday (which can often be every day of the week) is the only time I have to really work on the things I love the most.

So, what is “too late”?

Is it a certain time of the day? A certain time of the week or year? A certain time of our life?

None of these is realistic, because we define “too late.”

Many times, I have wasted several hours per day after our day job thinking, “Well, I did enough. I worked hard. I deserve some time off tonight.”

But I don’t deserve time off if I am unhappy with my circumstances or situation or if I have a goal I want to accomplish, whether that goal is to spend valuable time with my family or spend more time writing.

What I deserve (not because of something spiritual or supernatural, but because I am important to myself and to my family) is to work hard and be happy with my achievements, both personal and professional.

I deserve peace and happiness that comes from knowing I used every minute of every day wisely. And that I didn’t punch my proverbial timecard at 5 PM to spend the rest of the day deserving time off — time off that I will likely regret later.

We all know the handouts are few and far between. And even if we have the money for the things that aren’t free, some things can’t be bought. Valuable time with our families, peace that comes from meditation, a healthy body that comes from exercise, or the freedom of owning our own business. All of these come from effective, thoughtful allocation of our time.

I woke up this morning to a tweet about “taking a break for YOU.”  Monday morning and someone is already telling us we’ve working hard enough. What ever happened to “working hard for YOU”?

I’m not opposed to taking breaks to recollect ourselves, but I believe the “me time” mentality is spoiling us and simultaneously robbing us of our ambition. “Me time” is a money maker, but not for “me.” And if you aren’t sure of that, take a look at some of the commercials on television. How much money is our “me time” making for other people?

I try to remember that when I’m not working toward my goals, someone else out there is working toward theirs — and it could be the same as mine. If I haven’t used every minute I can to achieve mine, I’ll be in no place to feel jealousy or animosity toward those who did all they could with every minute they had. But how many of us are guilty of that?

We all see so many people complaining about their circumstances, but we all have the ability to make some of those circumstances better. Some of us are fortunate enough to have the ability to make all of our circumstances better.

Oh, I’m sure this won’t be the most popular piece I have ever written. As I said, there is a lot of money to be made from telling us how important it is to waste time. Those who have a lot to earn from it have spent a lot of money convincing us all that we “deserve that break.” It’s ingrained within us now, and the truth is sometimes hard for us to swallow. Hard for me to swallow. I’m writing to myself as much as I am to anyone else right now.

I challenge each person who reads this (and the writer) to use every minute of the day as efficiently (yet peacefully) as possible.

Is it 9 PM? Do you have a few minutes before bed? Take those few minutes to seek the information you need to achieve your goals and work toward them.

Remember, each day is made up of minutes. 1,440 to be exact. But that’s only one minute at a time.

How much closer to your goal (personal or professional) can that one minute take you if you use it wisely?

Today can be productive if we choose to make it so.

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And tell me in the comments section below how you plan to make today productive.

For years, I have been telling myself that I needed to change my eating habits. It was on my mind every time I couldn’t get into the clothes I loved and every time I saw a picture of myself.

It was easy to live in denial as long as I didn’t have to see what I really looked like. I avoided dressing rooms and any other full length mirrors.

Living in denial kept me from having to take action, because I knew as soon as I really saw a problem, I would be accountable to myself to make some changes.

But even though I avoided seeing the damage, the damage caught up with me in the form of the worst migraine headache of my life. I knew there was a correlation between my eating habits and the level of pain I was experiencing. I had to make a change.

The denial was a major problem. Another was thinking I would never really be able to be successful with such a major change.

Isn’t that a fear we all often have? We think, “I won’t be able to do it. And if I try, and don’t finish what I started, people around me might think I’m a failure.” Or even worse, we might think, “I’ll feel like a failure to myself.”

And then the hope of making a change dies. For fear of failure.

But what is failure? Is it really an inability to complete what we start? Or is it a lack of effort to initiate change?

I think it’s the latter.

I tried many times to change the way I ate. I tried a few commercial diets, I tried doing  it on my own. A few of them worked for me, but they didn’t yielded long-term success. Was I a failure? No! I simply learned what didn’t work for me.

Last week, I found a new plan that I believed in. I was still apprehensive about it, and it took me a few days to make the plunge.

Even though I knew it would work, I was still afraid? Why? Because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to tough it out or even make it through the first day.

But I did make it through the first day. And after the first day, I knew I would be able to make it through the second day. And now, I am through my first week. And I know if I made it this week, I can make it next week, too.

How often do we hinder real, positive change in our lives because we deny there is a problem? And how often do we recognize a problem but think we will forever label ourselves failures if we don’t make the change on the first attempt?

Too often.

My challenge to myself and to all of us today is to take the first step, recognizing that is the hardest step. But by taking the first one, we will know we can take the second one, and the third one, and all of the steps we need to make it to our goal, whatever that goal might be.

Acknowledge where you are. “Ok, this is me. For the moment.”

See the goal. “That’s where I want to be. I can get there.”

And make the first step. “To get there, I have to take it one step at a time.”

What is your goal? Do you want to start a new business? Do you want to apply to college? Whatever it is, take the first step remembering that we only experience failure when we don’t try.

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And please share your personal experiences in the comments below!

Just a few weeks ago, I lost a friend of 23 years.

We met when I was 11 and she was 12. She saw me through my mother’s early death; I saw her through her mother’s later one.

She helped me pack my things when I made the decision to get out of my abusive relationship, and she held my hand and hugged me when I cried about it.

She was a good friend – as good as anyone could have ever been to me in my life.

The only problem for all of those 23 years was that she was better at giving me advice than she was at applying it to her own life. And for years, I watched her abuse her body in ways I never abused mine. My wounds usually came from people I allowed to hurt me. Her wounds often came from ways she hurt herself.

I was sure that, eventually, I would need to talk to her about her lifestyle choices (which ranged from severely poor money management to illicit drug abuse in front of her children). Despite her faults, I love her dearly. But I am so adamant about not giving out unwanted advice now, that I would usually find myself trying to nudge her with hints that what she was doing was wrong.

It didn’t work.

I waited too long to say something, and when I did, it all came pouring out in the ugliest way I had said anything to anyone in a very long time.

If you want to ruin a lifelong friendship with a friend who is destroying herself, I can tell you exactly how to do it.

1. Baby your friend for years. Then expect her to suddenly become an adult.

Sometimes when we have known someone for years, we have a tendency to make a lot of excuses for their poor behaviors. This can happen when we have known someone from childhood and have seen how hard their lives have been.

This was the case with my friend. She had been abused as a child, and I always had a soft spot in my heart for the problems she had in life. I blamed her parents for a lot of her poor choices, much in the same way I blamed my parents for mine.

But when I realized my parents weren’t the reason for my bad decisions, I realized hers were not the reason for hers.

I expected her to understand my revelation. She didn’t. And when she didn’t, I saw just how beyond help she had become.

2. Wait a long time to confront her about her self-destructive lifestyle.

Sometimes it can be so hard to tell the people close to us that we are concerned about them. We don’t ever want to be the bossy friend. It seems even harder to do when the person has gradually developed the bad habits. We might excuse the first few, blaming their lives or someone else.

As long as I made excuses for my friend, she continued in her self-destructive ways. By not trying to help her, I enabled her. And because I had enabled her for so long, I was the last person she expected to ever speak up about anything she was doing.

You can probably imagine how ridiculous a rebuke sounds coming from a person who has always told you there were good reasons for your bad choices. The longer we allow the people we love to self-destruct, the harder it will be for them to take sound advice from us later.

3. Make her think you have suddenly become judgmental by telling her all the things you should have said sooner.

Have you ever let things build up while you tried to keep your opinions to yourself until you finally burst?

When I started noticing the problems, I still wouldn’t say anything. I was so afraid it was not my place or that she had good excuses for her bad behavior.

Good excuses for bad behavior? Is that even possible?

By letting the tension build, I lost my patience and said things that needed to be said. But I said them in the worst way. I waited too long to approach her, and the concern I had for her came flooding out in a way that sounded harsh.

She said to me, “You think you’re better than everyone else.” I don’t think that. But by letting her carry on the way she was even though I saw things wrong, I made her think I had suddenly taken the judgmental stance she thought all of the other people in her life took with her.

I guess the big question I am left asking is: Would my earlier intervention have made any difference?

I try to tell myself it wouldn’t have, and that she would only change if she wanted to change.

Of course, this is true of all people. They only change if they want to. But I now wonder if my approach changed the way she received me.

She has broken all contact with me now. She blocked me from her Facebook page (which is, by the way, no place to conduct our personal conversations), and she has changed her phone number.

The way we come across to people can make a difference. I know this, and I let it happen anyway.

I think about the stories about Michael Jackson and how his family tried to intervene. Some have said that the more they tried to help, the more he pushed them out of his life. Perhaps this is what happened with my friend, too.

Maybe it wasn’t my approach. Maybe it was just that she pushes out all of the people who tell her she is doing wrong. But what I do know now is that if the fault lies with me, I’ll never know if I could have really helped her in a better way.

What do you think? Should we try to intervene for our family and friends knowing they might push us out of their lives? Even if it means we might no longer be there to try to keep them from harm?

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My mother died when I was a teenager. For the last 8 years of her life, it was just me and her. She did everything for me, and I adored her. But I still remember times when I thought I hated her.

I know she did some things wrong. And she could be vindictive, even with me, the one I always figured was her favorite child. There were times when I knew she was petty, and I remember thinking she was being silly over the time she wanted me to devote to her. She was very sensitive about the things I said to her, and she would often cry about or seem to be hurt by some things I said to her. She was a professional giver of the silent treatment.

But even though I remember her being that way, and I remember feeling irritated with her, I can’t remember what the irritation actually felt like. Because since she died, I can’t imagine why I would have ever felt that way about a woman I loved so much. And because I’ve never loved another woman like I loved her, I have never been able to be irritated by any other woman in the same way. As time passed, the irritation lessened and the memories of those feelings grew vaguer.

See, when your mother is gone (and sadly, I know some of you reading will already know this is true), you might not even remember how bad it was. You’ll remember she did bad things, but as time goes on, you tend to shut out the bad stuff and remember the good things. The bad things seem not so bad and maybe even a little silly.

I wish I had a minute with her again, even if it was one of those minutes that she was irritating me for accidentally hitting her and accusing me of doing it on purpose. I wish I could hear her voice again, even if it was the nagging one that told me I didn’t clean the house well enough.

I have a friend whose abusive mother died about 5 years ago. While I would sometimes get annoyed with my mom, I can truly say that she never abused me. But what is most interesting to me is that even though my friend was abused, she defends her mother, brags about her, and tells everyone what a great mother she was.

At times, I think she’s being delusional. But today, Mother’s Day, I realize she really does remember her mom that way. Because once our mothers are gone, no matter what they might have been, we often remember them in the way that makes us feel good about them.

Of course, I don’t think every person who has abusive parents should keep submitting themselves to abuse. But maybe if our moms are just slightly annoying, we can learn to overlook those things and cherish every minute we have with them.

Thinking back on the time with my mom, I realize how different our world was. I always wonder what she’d think about all of these things we have now. How people are telling their moms Happy Mother’s Day on Facebook now for the whole world to see.

She’d probably scoff and say those were private matters that should be handled in person. She’s probably say that if you love someone you don’t have to broadcast it. I remember her being a little naggy about people and the things they did. Even though she did it in the softest, sweetest voice.

And even though I know that if she was still alive, I’d probably be thinking, “Oh, Mom. Hush,” I still wish I had her back to be annoyed with her again. I don’t like knowing I have forgotten some of those feelings I had for her, even if it was a negative emotion. Knowing I don’t remember the feelings means I’ve forgotten some things about our relationship.

So, I’ll do that thing that would’ve made her mad. I’ll tell her publicly how much I miss her, how she was a great mother, and that I love her.

I love you, Momma. I miss you. You were great. Happy Mother’s Day.

I wish she was here to read that. So she could fuss at me.

Happy Mother’s Day to all mothers today.

And if you still have your mom, take a minute to tell her what you want to her to know. Even if she annoys you. You’ll probably forget her naggings someday. But you’ll never forget the times you didn’t tell her you love her.

(“Mother and Son” Image courtesy of Shauntae)

My husband is working on his undergraduate degree. (One more year. Way to go, honey!) Recently, he sat for one of his last final exams. He studied so hard for it and called me immediately after to tell me he aced it. He also told me that every person sitting around him was cheating.

I get irritated when I hear things like that. Sometimes, I feel like it negates all of the work we put into something when someone else “earns” the same thing in an easier way. Oh, my husband aced his test, no doubt. But I’m sure the cheaters did too. It confirms how I feel about post-secondary education in general these days and how the education is devalued if everyone is handed a degree without having to earn it. But that’s a topic for another post.

About the same time, I was chatting with one of my best friends about the look of this website. I’m sure it’s no surprise to anyone for me to say I am no coder. I am not a web designer by any stretch of the imagination (though I am getting better a little at a time). I told my friend, “I wish I could just pay someone to spruce it up!”

She said, “There’s something to be said for doing it yourself too, though.”

Immediately, my mind went back to my husband, his hard work, the A he likely earned, and the cheaters who will probably get the same grade.

I have never understood what a person gets out of cheating. It gives a temporary pass, but what does it do for the person in the long run?

I am not saying that people who get their sites designed by pros are cheating! Not at all! When I can afford to do it, I’ll probably do the same. Though by that time, I will probably have done enough of it to know how to spruce it up myself.

But that’s kind of my point. When you aren’t handed something, you work for it.

Another day last week when my husband got to school, our Jeep died as he pulled into the parking lot. We can’t afford a mechanic, but I didn’t panic. I know him, and I know he can fix anything. His limited means growing up gave him the opportunity to learn to do things for himself. He popped the hood open, saw the problem, got a ride to a parts store. And within an hour, he had fixed our Jeep for $20.11.

He saved us a lot of money and time, and I am so proud of him (and anyone else who does something with minimal help from another person). And it’s that same determination and know-how that earned him an A when the folks around him decided to take credit for something they didn’t do.

So, while it seems many people around us are taking the easy way out, we can take pride in knowing we did it ourselves. My husband and I do a lot on our own because we have to. Our pride, our contentiousness, and our bank account balance just won’t let us have anything any other way.

When you can’t afford to get someone to do something for you, or when you simply don’t have the audacity to whip out an iPad during an exam with your professor 10 feet away, you do it yourself.

You’re a better person for it.

And if you aren’t better for it when you start, you will be at the end when you’ve learned something from the experience. You’ll have a skill or knowledge many other people don’t have.

And my friend is right. There is something to be said for that!

Question: What have you done by hard work and effort that makes you proud? Please share your story in the comments below.

And if you found value in this article, please share it with your friends on Facebook or Twitter.

It seems counterintuitive, doesn’t it? That a network that was supposedly designed to bring people together is tearing us apart? But watch your feed. It’s happening.

This month, I had two “real life” friends (who do not know each other) take simple little comments I made and turn them into major insults.

Both times (and I will spare you the boring “you just had to be there” details), I made lighthearted comments about jokes we had shared in the past. When the jokes were shared in person, we laughed.

But when I joked back with each of them online about the same jokes, they visibly took offense. And both went on long rambling spiels about why they were sorry they weren’t as good as me.

Both took me completely off-guard. I never responded to either of them.

Two things crossed my mind. First of all, the pity party. “Wow, she does not know me at all.”

Followed immediately by, “If I had said these things in person, she would have laughed.”

These things weren’t coming from the bossy friends we have that we don’t even like to be around offline. These were good friends that I have never had negative encounters with in person.

So, what’s the problem?

A lot.

1. Lack of Social Cues

If something is wrong with a friend in person, we can see it on her. People are usually pretty good at reading another person’s body language. But we don’t have the chance to do that online.

We have no idea when a friend is going to find our remarks or what kind of mindset she’ll have by the time she finds it.

2. Time Lapse

When we interact with each other in public, jokes and comments are taken and given at appropriate times.

Online, you might post something in the morning when you’re in a good mood, go to work, get smacked around by your boss, then come home to find snarky comments from a friend. Suddenly, the joke just isn’t as funny as it would have been over drinks.

It may even seem insulting.

3. Too Many Witnesses

In person, we can be who we want in our small groups. I have friends who have other groups of friends I have never even met and probably wouldn’t even like. But online, all of groups of friends are in one large group.

Do you have several groups of friends with each group’s members sharing different interests? And do you interact differently with each group? I do, and I know a lot of other people who do too! That doesn’t mean we’re fake. It’s only that each group brings out different characteristics and interests.

Social media, even the latest Pinterest, can give us the wrong impression about one another. It can give us the chance to only show the side of us we want others to see.

That is, until someone reveals the thing you didn’t really want anyone else to know. Public humiliation can set in over things that would have been funny between two people.

4. Seeing Other Jabs

I’ve seen it, and I would bet a lot of you have too. You know a friend is mad at someone, and you see the updated slam status. You know who it’s about and you get a kick out of it. But…

Suspicious creeps up on you. You have a little misunderstanding on the phone, your friend posts a sarcastic slam status later that day. And you’re left wondering, is it about you?

It might be. It might not be. But she’ll probably never tell you, because Facebook gives us the nerve to say things you wouldn’t say in person.

5. Internet Nerve

Because we don’t see the social cues from one another, a lot of us show nerve we simply don’t have in face to face interactions.

We don’t have to deal with the physical confrontation. We don’t have to see the hurt or humiliation on someone’s face when we say hurtful things, so we become inclined to say things online we would never say in person. Especially if we think other people will come to our defense.

6. Backup

Online, mob mentality can take a new form.

Instead of physically attacking each other, we wait for backup comments and hope our side will outnumber the side of the other person. It fuels people to be harsh to each other. (The same thing happened in forums back when they were the popular online social gather spots.)

We are still herding animals and we rely heavily on social support. When we think other people will agree with us, we get the nerve to say the terrible things while we wait for the “oh, snap!” post from someone else.

It’s a new form of adult bullying.

7.  More sarcastic quips

Because we don’t have to deal with a situation on the spot, we have time to think about things before responding. That gives us time to let it brew.

And the intensity of the comebacks (or the drama in our heads over things that aren’t even about us) can multiply 10-fold by the time we get around to replying. We have time to formulate a scathing response.

So, people who don’t perform well in face-to-face debates can now rely on a friend or loved-one nearby to help them “amp-up” the comeback. A solid retort can make us look brilliant to the hundreds (and sometimes thousands) of people who see the comment.

8. The Need to Impress

I see a lot of people phrasing things in ways they never would in person. People I know don’t say, “As a person who has recently lost a loved one,…” They would say, “Well, my brother just died, so…”

There is a major disconnection between the way we speak and the way we comment on Facebook. People seem to think they need to impress one another with phrases they never use in real life.

The Heart of the Problem

The problem with social media is that we aren’t actually saying anything at all. We are typing words, and if we don’t get them just right, or at the right time, we can sound like arrogant b!tches. But I’m not one of those. And I know my friends aren’t either.

But the social sites are changing our interactions. I can’t tell you how many times I have had a certain friend call me to tell me what she posted and tell me to have her back. I did it for a little while until I thought, “If she would do this to someone else, she would do it to me, too.” (See. Suspicion.)

Another friend posted a pic a few days ago of some young adults sitting around laughing. It said, “Friends. Before Facebook.” It does seem that way sometimes doesn’t it?

Please don’t misunderstand. I love Facebook for a lot of reasons. But I’m really concerned about some of the breakdowns I see there.

The saddest part of my friends’ misunderstandings is, I bet as I was thinking, “Wow, she doesn’t know me at all,” my friends were probably thinking the same thing about me.

I used to think I only wanted real life friends on Facebook. I’m starting to think the opposite is true.

What do you think? Is Facebook negatively affecting our friendships?

I watch people. Not to stalk them, but to observe them. As I’ve observed others, including myself, I’ve noticed that the most confident people don’t have to tell you they are confident. And the people who don’t care what you think don’t have to tell you that either!

I have a certain person in my life who loves (loves!) to go around bragging about how she doesn’t care what people say about her. She takes a lot of pride in “speaking her mind” (sounds a lot like me 5 years ago). And she loves “boasting” about how she does not care what people think about her opinions.

But she isn’t boasting. I see through it. She’s just trying to convince herself she doesn’t care. And she’s trying to put up a strong front to make people believe they aren’t hurting her.

Wouldn’t it be nice to actually be one of those people instead of one who runs around screaming about their confidence and how they “don’t care”?

Let’s face it, the people who run around repeating “I don’t care what people think. I don’t care what people think” sound like annoying squawking birds who don’t know any other sentence! And I know this kind of woman well. I used to be exactly the same way.

What does it take to stop caring (for real)? That depends on the three scenarios of gossip:

1. The thing they have said about you is 100% true.

Then, so what? If you thought it was a mistake, recognize it as a mistake, correct it, and move on. If you think you did the right thing, be confident in your decision.

And remember, confident people don’t run around verbally defending themselves or boasting about how confident they are. If you’re telling everyone the entire story and how much you don’t care, you care.

2. The thing they said about you is partially true with some twists to make you look bad.

Well, that’s a testament to the type of people doing the talking, isn’t it?

If they have manipulated a truth into a lie or even if they heard it that way and are continuing to spread it, any chance of reaching them with any reasoning is slim. Chances of appealing to their good nature? Even slimmer.

Do you think you can reason with people who hear what they want to hear? Can you reason with people who spread things that may or may not be true?

These people love to keep stirring the s***, and I promise you nothing you say to them is going to make anything any better. In fact, this kind of person wants your response so they can make their version of the story better!

Stop trying to change other people.

You can’t.

And you can’t convince someone of something if they like their version of the “truth.”

3. The thing they said about you is a total lie.

Then, why do you care? The people who know you (or care to know you, or are even the least bit reasonable) won’t believe it. Or maybe they’ll come and ask you if it was true.

But watch the questions. If the questions continue and feel more like an interrogation, let it go! Speak the truth (when asked) and be finished with it.

If you aren’t asked, then maybe people don’t believe it. Jumping into conversations to defend yourself will only make you look insecure or like someone with something to hide.

I told myself a long time ago, there are only a few reasons why I would care what people say about me.

Either it is true and I don’t like the truth about myself. Or it is not true and I’m worried about what people will believe the lie.

But I told myself, if it is true, why would I be upset about that? I’m a human being, and I’m not perfect. People make mistakes, and those doing the talking are people, too. They have made mistakes. And they usually like to keep the talk about someone else so the focus isn’t on them.

And I said, what if it’s a lie? Why should I let lies about me hurt me? How is a lie about me any reflection on who I really am? I don’t want anything to do with people who believe lies about me anyway. No love lost.

I have had to revisit these questions a few times in the creation of this website. Every time I create an article, the old “What Will People Think” demon starts asking me all of these questions. I answer them the same way I wrote in this article. And keep writing.

Keep doing whatever you do. Stop caring what people say. And do whatever you do to the best of your ability and with confidence. You’ll know you’re confident when you can stop telling everyone how confident you are. And you’ll know you don’t care what people say when you can confidently ignore them.